


Heartbeats

by bedlinens



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 17:21:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedlinens/pseuds/bedlinens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As she lay in bed, she reflects her life out and then back to Charming.<br/>Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Kurt Sutter is my King.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartbeats

It took her two years. And then two more. When she got out of Charming, it took her two years to start dating again, and another two to stop feeling like she was cheating on him. He had never wanted to come with her, even when she had begged. When she had last seen him, he had just gotten his cut and been accepted as a prospect (as if there was ever an actual chance he might decide not to join the club), she had known for good that nothing she could say would make him renounce to this life. So she had gone away, feeling like she was leaving her heart behind. Not just her metaphorical heart, but her actual heart. Her chest had felt so empty, yet painful all the time, sometimes she would put her hand on the top of her breast, trying to feel her heart beating. It was the only proof she had that it was still there. It was stupid, but taking her pulse didn’t do the trick, it just proved that her blood was pulsing through her veins one way or the other. The first two years, when she was in class or at the library, her hand would often found his way to the top of her chest, desperately trying to prove that her heart was not back in Charming. Her bodily one at least.

At first, she got lost in her studies, or that was what it had felt like. She had gotten a scholarship for her good grades, sure, but Charming High School didn’t have a renowned science program. She may have been its best student, but when it came to UC San Diego, she was just a student among the mass. She would spend her days and part of her nights trying to catch up and keep on being worthy of her scholarship. It had been exhausting, but she had welcomed it. It left her very little time to think about what she had left behind when she had gone away, who she had left behind. Yet, some nights, sleep would elude her and she would have no choice but to remember. She’d try to distract herself focusing on her younger cousin’s snoring, or the fact that she had a tendency to talk when she had had too much to drink before going to bed, but it wouldn’t do the trick on those nights. Those were painful, but were few and spare as most nights she would just collapse, almost passing out from exhaustion after having spent another 18 hours studying.

Then things had gotten less difficult, or she had just gotten better and had caught up on the other students, and she didn’t need to work as much. Plus, the cousin she had been staying with had had some kind of intervention, being worried by how thin she had become and how overworked she always looked. So she had to quit her insane work habits to appease him, and she had gotten a job as a barista to make some extra money. That was when she had found herself meeting other students, random men, and that she had gotten asked out. She couldn’t pretend she had never seen it coming, she knew she was expected to get back in the dating game at some point, but she didn’t feel ready. It took her two years of having left Charming before finally saying yes to one of her suitors.

The first time she slept with another guy, she ended up crying in his bathroom. In a complete cliché, the guy had rolled over and fallen asleep as soon as he had come, and he never heard her sob nor leave his flat like the devil was on her tail. It was the only night in two years she dialed a familiar number back to Charming. Thank God, it was Clay who had picked up, and she had hung up right away. The patriarch’s voice had been a wake-up call in a way. If Gemma had picked up, she still didn’t know what she would have done. If it had been Jax, oh God, if it had been Jax… Thank God for small favors. She had heard Clay’s voice and had realized that this was not a solution. She had left for a reason, she didn’t want to ever come back, especially not for a wrong one.

That feeling of cheating on Jax hadn't left her for a very long time, until she went to Chicago. Maybe it had been the change in climate, maybe it had been the guy she had met there. One or the other. He was kind, and could tell she had been hurt before, and he hadn’t pressured her. His name was Nathan, and they had stayed together for a year, until it felt like she was cheating on him when she found herself thinking about Jax. She had never reached a plateau when she didn’t feel like she was cheating on of them, but being able to lie in Nathan’s arms without feeling like a dirty cheap whore was some kind of progress. Nathan had been good for her, she wasn’t sure she had been as good for him. Sometimes she felt a little guilty for never having let him touch the tattoo on her back, it had been the only thing she had never been able to let go of. It was another thing that screamed Jax’s name, but she had never been able to get rid of it, it had never felt like an option. It wasn’t just ink, she could still feel Jax’s fingers slowly tracing the picture, lovingly. She had loved Nathan but she had never been able to let him do the same thing. Sometimes she would catch him staring at the crow tattooed on her back, like he knew what it stood for.

They had broken apart when he had accepted an internship in Alaska of all places, and she hadn’t wanted to follow him. When she had asked one person to leave with her, they had said no, she had felt like it was her chance at saying no too. They still kept in contact, she had gone to his wedding, and he sometimes would send her pictures of his kids. The thing was, Nathan had enabled her to move past Jax, or so it had felt like at the time. There had been other guys, and then there had been Josh. Everybody knew how this one had ended. She hadn’t stayed chaste, but she hadn’t whored around either. She would find herself from time to time putting her hand on the top of her chest, to feel her heart beating, out of habit. She didn’t need to check about whether or not it was beating, it just felt reassuring. After a big day at work, or even sometimes while laying on a cot in an on-call room, she would lay for hours with her hand on her chest. She had never broken out of this habit, she thought with a small smile, her head resting on Jax’s arm, as he slept peacefully.

She loved those moments, when they were in bed and it was just the two of them being at peace, being comfortable around each other. They had changed so much in the spam of eleven years, but they still fit the same against the other. She was not the girl who had left Charming all those years ago, and he wasn’t anymore the boy who had looked at her getting in her car to move to San Diego with betrayal in his eyes, even though her heart beat the same.

She had a small smile and a chuckle when she reflected upon the kind of thoughts that were running through her head. She needed to stop overthinking everything.

The movement must have wakened Jax, because he rose his head up a bit and asked looking at her through sleepy eyes:

“Something wrong babe?”

“Go back to sleep,” she told him with a warm smile.

“Yes mam,” he said, resting his head back on the pillow, his eyes closing as he breathed in deeply. He just tightened his grip around her waist, his fingers rubbing against the crow with a content sigh.

She smiled even more and laid her head back on the top of his shoulder, her fingers grazing against his goatee. He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and held her even tighter.

Spooned against his side, Tara reflected about all the things that had changed since she had left Charming all those years ago. Back then, she had needed to press a hand to her chest to make sure that her heart was still beating, and now when she still did, out of habit, she knew what was making it beat so strongly. It felt good.

She bit her bottom lip, thinking about it for a second before she put her hand on his chest, on the Abel tattoo. Her fingers ran lightly there, barely brushing against it, then when she thought he was really asleep, she pressed her hand stronger, hoping to feel his heart against her palm. She was concentrated on trying to catch something, so she didn’t see him open his eyes again with a smile she was used to. He startled her a little when he said:

“Are we playing doctor? Cause I could do with a complete and thorough check up,”

She laughed at the leer in his eyes and let him grab a hold of her waist, pulling her on top of him. She was going to make his heart race as he hers.


End file.
